Paper boats

When I was young,
I used to love rain
I could feel the raindrops crashing my face
Like the tears of joy
Nothing ever made me happier

I left a paper boat once
With a memory I wanted to forget
I thought the puddle was big enough for my small hands
And as I grew up, I grew into the idea
Until I had left all my memories in the paper boats I never wanted to see again

I grew into my future
I wanted to travel thousand miles
Without a break
I wanted to go across the giant puddle and see what's on the other side
I wanted to touch the sky on the other side
But how did I oversee
I started receiving my paper boats I left years back
They were heavier now
With all the memories I tried to suppress in
The weight of the boats made the puddle look fuller
Now that I feel the paper boats
I can still see the moments
Gone by which felt like infinite days
Dragging me with them

I saw a girl

The girl I am following is right there

I believe I have a crush on her

She is there hard to love 

Smiles with a curl and a twirl on her inside 

Hair like a desert 

Too coarse on the outside and barren on the inside

I look into her eyes and see a poem

Promising but hiding under her eyes

Her eyes are shouting

But I see fire

Burning up

It is about to blow someone up

It is going to let her blow herself

This is hard

This is difficult 

I ask her what is her favorite book

She turns around and starts walking

She is a story made of thrillers and disaster

She is a book full of disasters

I follow her to the elevator and see her put her foot in

She takes a step back

This is a wind flowing from her face like the Sahara desert which taking the precious ashes away from her soul

Which the fire left

The logs of wood are trying to get out

The eyes are still white 

I see fire

I do not know where it comes from

I see music 

Never had I seen it before

I see the rhythm 

I take a step forward not knowing where I am headed

I try to touch her she disappears

I see ashes 

I feel the ashes

I look at myself in the mirror in the elevator,

I see fire

I am the fire

I see her rising inside me like the flames turning bright with every flicker in their body

I see her I see her strong and bright like she is unafraid of life

And someone I wanted to be

But she was in me all along

Insecurities

Part 1: To my insecurities

It is painful how sensitive you are

You tremble under the slightest disturbance

Like a mimosa plant hiding itself from the hurt

For some guy who could pull just the right book

So that the book shelf could fall apart

It is tiring and exhausting

Trying to clean away your tears

Your mess every time you cry

Running behind you getting you

Inside the shed again

I am tired

It is embarrassing how offended you are

By everything that doesn’t exist

Like that one time you decided to break down

When you a saw a skinny supermodel

Or the time you heard the word rape

And you panicked

Like you are in the middle of the ocean

And a wave was going to eat you in?

It is tiring

How many times I have to run behind you

In the middle of the night

In a forest with you on fire

About to take the whole forest down

Like the strongest flame in the world

Trying to get larger with every breath

Part 2: My insecurities talking out loud

My memories

As bright as oil pastels

Vivid but put together

But still as pictures

I point to the edge of my shirt

Stained with yesterday

Darker than the others

Crawling through my mind

Drop by drop

Deep inside the quicksand

Hold my hand I am drowning in

It is difficult to get out 

Of this thought 

I am freaking out

I am pulling myself

Inside the ground

I cannot move my toe

Some day I will wither away with the drifting sand on the beach

And it will be unheard among the breeze and water too loud

And indifferent to my whines

You put me down just by triggering me

You don’t even have to say the sentence

Just say the first word and I am gone

With the fire that was burning bright and lost in the flames

Which are indifferent to my plights

You are so indifferent to my world

I stay here being taken as a joke

I try so hard to not be offended by you

But this is hard and stabs me in the places

So wrong, I feel I deserve them

Part 3: To someone who took my insecurities as a joke

My steps kicked the dust out of my way when I was walking with you

Thought I could suppress my eyes if I fooled myself

I would imagine getting the stars to the ground with you around

But my insides could not stop crying anymore

I wanted my insides to stay in the deepest of the insides of my soul

Wrapped together in a blanket of my grief

Stitched with a scar

I tried holding my breath as the stitch wasn't just right and it wanted to break off

But a burst of fire followed by darkness

Led me in the solitude I always needed

I saw My face which a scar hid inside the layers of my insecurities

 and you will never see the stitches

I am tired of trying to look over everything

Trying to assume, you still like me

Hurt is just a form of love anyway

I have been burning my tongue all this while 

So that you can notice me

But you always denied the existence of my tongue

You never saw beyond the sugarcoat all over my body

But I won't let my tongue burn anymore

With your lighter

I am here for the thoughts mightier

Than the judgments

And my gut stronger than just an offense

When a woman will roar

The moment you see light at the end of tunnel

And must walk all by yourself

When you don’t have a hand to hold

You will lead yourself to the rainbow of gold

and thousand shades of glitter you have never seen before

Do not be scared to walk alone

While you were growing up,

You might have heard

'Women are bad with directions',

'Girls cannot drive',

or 'Girls are bad leaders'

People will tell you

'Being alone is difficult',

'You need someone'

Let them talk

The moment you see yourself in the mirror

And see thoughts and beads of confidence

Rolling down your arm and you try to catch them

and you will lose track or

When you hear your own voice and

Hear the strength holding down

Years of struggle and tears

and lights.

You will hear a roar

The roar is loud enough for the people to hear

When you will open your mouth to speak

Inside the the dark tunnel,

People might not notice you

But you will be heard

Your voice will echo through the millions

Of pores in the walls

And will wake up the sleeping beings and fairies

Your roar will be heard

With every step, you take,

The air particles will vibrate

Shaking the ones next to them

Talking to the wind while whispering

a rumor the world hasn’t heard in a while

Your steps will be stronger than

Stereotypes, metaphors, and body types

You will realize, you are more than

Society, rules, and limitations

When you will call for yourself,

You will hear back from million galaxies

And discover the unexplored parts of you

Do not be afraid to scream

When you will walk down the aisle

And realize your own hand

Can be trusted more than others

You will revive

You will roar and shake the world

The only time you will realize how powerful you are

Is when you are by yourself

You are stronger

than concrete and glue

Do not be scared to be alone

You were never a space to be filled

Nor a piece to someone’s incomplete puzzle

You are a voice who can shake

The core of the earth

Your roar will be heard

Under a million layers

You never thought the wound

Was supposed to let itself show,

It was not supposed to take in air

Or tell the world that it exists

It was hidden among the million lies

While it had a million reasons to not speak up

The wound hid

for a million years

under the million layers of you

The unfathomable but invisible pain

Can strike you inside your heart

You know, there’s always something changing in the world

Some changes are good, some are not,

Among these changes, the wound forgets its importance

The world told it, it is not important

But instead of feeding it air to breath in,

You put salt over it

You amplified your own pain to match the world’s

But there’s so much pain in this world, you will never be able to match

This is not a competition, this is you

Your pain is your story and not a participant in some race

Just because you are different

Just because your pain is different

Doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter

Your voice was not meant to cry itself to sleep at night

Your voice was born to be heard

Your voice is the sword that can

Tear through borders and centuries of injustice

When I tried doing it, I reached the other end of the galaxy

And received a lullaby back

But instead of letting it put myself to sleep

I let myself ease the tension in my skin and let my wound show

Believe me, it was always supposed to be shown

The sixteen year old

Mirror breaks and crashes to the reflection of her

In front of her eyes, with a loud crackling sound

Everything turns loud for her

These flashy lights, shiny noise and brazen words

"I don’t want no mirror anymore", she says.

"It has shrunk my reflection in my own eyes

Day after day, moment after moment

And every negative thought the world has feed in"

"What is wrong with me?" she asks

When a young teenage girl stops eating,

It is concerning.

After years of mockery for being a body type

Not flattering to men,

She decided to shrink herself to a size of a tear drop

Dropping its way to the earth and burying itself

Inside the layers of soil where people cannot see past her skinny face

Every mirror cracks to the high frequency voice inaudible to humans

Of a teenager everyday shrinking her body and mind to fit

Herself in front of male gaze

“I am no one if boys don’t like me” she says

“Without a man, you are just not complete”, the society tells her

Because, every thought she has, puts her in competition

With her lovely female friends

Because when a teenager stops eating, it is concerning

When a kid stops growing past the views of the society

And inhibits the span of its dreams, it is concerning

What is wrong with me she asks?

Because people barely looked past her body type

and the buried skinny face

The Gold

Beauty is not in the pain, Beauty is in the strength. 

Strength to get over the pain

Beauty is in the extra moment you think about someone

More than you are supposed to.

Beauty is in love,

love that is around you that you can grab by your fist 

and it leaves a chilling sensation on your palm, 

the feeling so beautiful it makes your heart cry.

Beauty is not in your tears. Beauty is in your cry that tells you not to cry again.

Beauty is in the self-reflection.

Beauty is you thinking for yourself, feeling for yourself. Self-realization.

Beauty is in determination, passion for your dreams, in your soul.

Beauty is in pain, the pain you experience to take a step further. 

The last call your heart makes to stay longer. The strength that tells you to endure.

Beauty is in endurance. 

Beauty is in soul that can think, who is ready to get into the steps, experience feeling someone else’s feet as theirs. Feeling someone else’s ears as theirs, listening through them. 

Feeling through some else without touching them physically.

Beauty is in patience. Patience to see the sun rise. Patience to see your heart rise up. Patience in watching someone else prosper. Patience in people and trust in the time. Trust in yourself and independence.

Beauty is in gold. Gold that you find in yourself struggling through the mines around you.